Midori, A Tale of Epicness
by LittleDemonInside
Summary: AU. One-shot. Crack-fic. Join "Midori the Epic" and the other Wandering Six -Natsuki, Nao, Mai, Mikoto and Akane- as they experience a journey that is made of win!... For Midori at least.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Mai Hime or anything else mentioned in this fic that has a copyright on it.

'What is this?' you ask. 'Utter nonsense.' I reply. Why? Because a friend wanted me to, that's why. (I hope you're happy, Shaz! You just killed about half the Mai Hime fanbase by unleashing this fic. :P) I personally think a good crack-fic is good to read/write every once in a while ('though this might be over the top...) This is complete and utter silly topped with 'huh?' on a plate of 'what the heck did I just read?' with a side dish of strobe lights.

_Italicized Text_ - is reality.  
Normal Text - is obviously not reality.

The only advise I can give for when reading you is this: it's easier if read like a story being told. :) Good luck.

* * *

It was the blizzard of the century, Midori Sugiura was sure of it. Driving her small, frail truck through winds like this was indeed treacherous- bordering on suicidal!

But someone had to do it.

_These packages aren't going to deliver themselves!_ The fiery redhead thought to herself, her grip on the freezing steering wheel tightening. She could feel the chill of the snow seeping through the door and onto her legs through uniform regulation short, shirt and jacket, but she didn't mind. Why?

Because she was epic like that.

She was just seventeen years old and she was already known all around as Midori the Epic. Scaling mountains, outrunning sled dogs, and chucking mail into mail slots with the aim of a ninja; oh yeah, there was nothing this teenager couldn't do.

She'd been back and forth this mail route so many times, she could dive it with her hands tied behind her back. (Which is amazing if you recall that you need your hands to man the steering wheel. _Epic._) So she continued to drive down the icy road in the middle of the mountainside and even though her windshield wipers were working—

_You're losing them, hotshot._

"Nao-chan?" Midori turned around, seeing Nao sitting lazily in one of the open packages in the back, white packing peanuts laying across her lap.

"What?" The younger redhead glared, "Don't write me into your stupid story!"

_Ha, now you have a part in her story._

"Shut up, Kuga!" Yuuki glared over at another box that suddenly appeared thanks to a wormhole randomly appearing in space and time. Nao then smirked at the glowering dog-lover, "Way to make an entrance."

"Quiet you," Natsuki growled out.

And so Midori the Epic and everyone else in the room—

_I thought this story was taking place inside of a postal truck?_

_She can't honestly think the Gakuenchou actually believes all this._

_Er!_— and everyone else in the _postal truck_, which now included Midori the Epic, Nao, Natsuki, Mai, Mikoto, and Akane, got ready to fight the giant golem that suddenly crashed into the side of the mountain!

"The hell?" Nao blinked, staring right at Midori like she was nuts.

"Quiet, ranger pink! We must concentrate our powers and—"

Midori was cut off by Mikoto, "Can my color be black, Midori?"

"Uh, sure. As I was saying—"

"I guess I'll be yellow then," Mai said.

As soon as Midori opened her mouth, Akane chimed in, "I don't remember if green was part of the original colors."

"Your color doesn't matter!" Sugiura yelled before turning her attention back to the golem.

"Sure is taking a while for us to actually reach the thing, isn't it?" Natsuki commented indifferently.

And then Midori's pet lion-armadillo thing with a scorpion tail was summoned with a loud, echoing, 'Gakutenou!' Midori stood up and flicked her wrist, sending a ring upwards. The ring soon expanded into a portal where the mighty beast reared its head before slamming into the giant rock-man, killing him.

"'Lion-armadillo thing with a scorpion tail'?" Akane furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

"Duran's a better name," The older black-haired girl said, secretly ticked that it wasn't part wolf.

"Why the hell did we have to 'concentrate our powers' if you're just going to summon that thing anyway?" Nao raised an eyebrow.

_U-um,_ b-by their combined strengths, they summoned Gakutenou! The mechanical being from another planet sent to them as a super pet!

"I want a mechanical lion!" Mikoto cheered. "That sounds so cool! Can he shoot laser beams?"

"No," Midori grinned proudly at 'the teams' beast, "but he can soar at the speed of sound!"

"Um, reality-check," Tokiha started before rolling her eyes and grumbling, '_Not that this story needs one or anything._' "In order to summon Gaku-whatever through a portal while standing, wouldn't it have to go through the roof of the truck while no one was at the wheel?"

_Midori blinked._

Natsuki started to laugh, "Talk about epic fail!"

Oh no! Our heroes' truck was slammed by the golem on its way down, thus tossing them into the canyon below, deep down into the Earth!

Nao rolled her eyes, crossing her arms on her torso as she fell down into the black abyss, "Nice save there, Sugiura. You deserve the 'author of the year' award," She said sarcastically.

And then suddenly a column of fire erupts up from the bottom and engulfs Mai!

Akane blinked, "Did you just kill off Mai?"

"No!" Mikoto got all teary-eyed. "Don't die, Mai! Don't die!"

The biker scowled, "So she gets to be written out of the story but not me?"

"Yeah, how unfair is that?" The youngest redhead glared at Midori the Epic.

But wait! She didn't die!

Mai sighed, frowning, "Oh. Goody."

Midori and the rest of the crew gazed in wonder as Mai Tokiha burst out from the fire column, newly transformed, reborn as the Fire Falcon! She swooped down and saved her friends from certain death, bringing them down onto the sandy land above.

Akane giggled into her hand, "'Fire Falcon'?"

Natsuki's teeth start to grit, "If you're going to make up bull shit, at least try to be consistent! I thought it was snowy above!"

"_Kuga Natsuki!" Fumi Himeno frowned disapprovingly at the second year high schooler for using foul language._

"_Sorry, Gakuenchou," Natsuki grumbled._

_Mai raised an eyebrow, "If I came from the fire, shouldn't it be Fire Phoen—?"_

"_No! You're the Fire Falcon- complete with trademark colored spandex and fire powers!" Midori informed._

_Tokiha rolled her purple eyes before trying to reason, "Can I at least drop the cape?"_

_Sugiura gasped at such a concept. Drop the cape? Never! "Of course not! Every good superhero has a cape!"_

"_Haven't you ever seen _The Incredibles_? _'No capes!'_" Nao quoted, sitting down and deciding to get comfy. If she was going to have to stay here, might as well be comfortable._

_Mai frowned, "And why spandex? Why not cotton?"_

_Midori waved it over her shoulder, "Cotton can get itchy and it makes you all static-y when you get out of bed."_

"_What happens next?" Akane asked, a big grin on her face._

"_Don't get her started again!" Nao and Natsuki yelled at the same time, startling the poor waitress._

"_S-sorry," The brunette shrunk back. "I-I was just getting into the story…"_

"_I wanna know too!" Minagi added, sparks of excitement in her yellow eyes._

"_As I was saying," The third-year redhead started her story up once more, much to the dismay of Kuga and Yuuki._

"_Goddamnit," Nao cursed._

_Cloudy green eyes moved onto the cat-like middle schooler, frowning, "Language, Yuuki-san."_

"_Sorry, Gakuenchou." She didn't really sound sincere in her reply._

And so there was the team, baking out in the Sahara sun, trying to find the mysterious Pyramid of Tut! The rumors said that whoever had the golden pyramid could be granted one wish, no matter the consequences.

Natsuki's green eyes searched for Midori's trying to glower at her through the sun's glares, "There she goes again, making changes."

Everyone was decked out in their Indiana Jones suits, except for Mai. She was still the Fire Falcon because superheroes are cool. Anyway, the group was following a trail of clues left in the sand by the mystery grave robbers of Egypt. With her trusty magnifying glass, Midori the Epic was able to follow the footprints leading to their next clue.

"Footprints? In _sand_?" Nao questioned, staring at Midori like she was the dumbest thing on Earth, from under her fedora's rim.

After hours of searching, they finally came upon the base of an old pyramid that hadn't been discovered by anyone else!

"Then how were there footprints leading to it?" The biker asked, examining the footprints that lead to a conveniently opened passageway.

"But a giant mecha suddenly appeared!" Mikoto intervened, springing up from her sitting position.

Yes! A giant mecha reared up from the sands and got into battle position! It was the guardian of the pyramid and none shall pass without defeating it in a duel!

"Mai! You're our only hope!" Indiana Midori the Epic shouted desperately.

The hero responded to the call, rising up and attempting to battle the huge robot. However, as powerful as she was, all she could do was hold it off from crushing her friends!

Tokiha had given up on trying to sort through the story, "At least I have powers in this."

"'How's this for powerful, Wandering Six?" Reito's voice boomed from the cockpit of the robot Miyu's body.

Natsuki blinked up at the robot, "Reito as in the Student Council Vice President?"

"_Wouldn't Alyssa be controlling it?" Akane gave her two cents about the scene. "They're always together."_

_Midori rolled her eyes in exasperation, "Ugh, fine. A giant robot Miyu that's controlled by Reito that was built by Alyssa. There, happy now?"_

"Not really," Kuga said, idly leaning against a block of the pyramid.

But suddenly Mikoto transformed into Nekogami, the Cat Goddess! Her, teamed up with the Fire Falcon destroyed the threat, thus saving the town's people from their doom.

Nao's eyebrow ticked once, "The setting changed again."

"And why do Mai and Mikoto do all the cool stuff? If I'm going to be in this story, I should at least have a cool quality," Kuga said, trying to avoid the reporters shoving microphones into her face. (Mai and Mikoto were busy answering questions during this time.)

"_You can, uh…" Midori frowned in concentration before smiling brightly, "Natsuki can be all James Bond-like! A secret agent!"_

Natsuki beamed, "Okay, now the story is getting good." She smirked down at her tux, brushing imaginary dirty off of it before leaning against her custom-made motorcycle. "What's my number?"

"Agent Double-O, sixty-nine!" Midori announced proudly.

For a moment, Natsuki just stared at Midori blankly before shaking her head, "Whatever. I don't care about the number. I'm an agent and that's all that matters." In her head, she started to hum, 'Secret Agent Man'.

Natsuki's wristwatch started to ring so Kuga pressed her finger to her ear, answering the call, "What is it, Headquarters?" She said, humoring the other girl when she was given puppy eyes.

"The Cat-Eyed Jewel was just stolen by the masked robber, The Masked Ninja," Chie answered back.

Natsuki frowned, "Isn't that 'masked' name a tad redundant? And if you're talking ninjas, it has to be Akira."

Aoi piped in from next to Chie, "We've just found the identity of The Masked Ninja to be none other than Akira Okuzaki!"

Higurashi smiled as she continued to listen to the story, watching the secret agent talk into her wrist. "Even Chie and Aoi get a part in this!" The brunette giggled.

"I'm on it!" Double-O sixty-nine replied as she got onto her bike and glanced at the others, "I'll be back. This shouldn't take long."

_Yuuki snickered, "Getting into your role, Kuga?"_

"_Shut up, spider!" The blushing biker said back._

_The door opened revealing Haruka Suzushiro and Yukino Kikukawa. "You wanted to see me, Gakuenchou?" The blonde asked._

"Thank God you're here, Haruka!" Midori exclaimed, looking away from the giant Monster that just appeared in the big city.

"_Huh?" Suzushiro frowned, confused. "Did something happen?" She asked, her voice getting more urgent. Did one of these delinquents screw something up?_

"Yeah! There's a giant tornado monster running through the city! Mai and Mikoto already went off to fight it, but I fear they won't be enough! You must help them, Sonic Boom!" The redhead referred to the superhero by her title.

"_And thus I'm written back into the scene," Mai noted after wondering if she'd be brought up again._

"Nekogami to the rescue~" The hyperactive middle schooler yelled, her cry being heard across the city.

The Discipline Director glared, "What's all this 'Sonic Boom' business?"

"_She's not that far off with 'Sonic Boom,'" Nao snickered._

"_What was that, Yuuki?" Haruka turned her harsh stare onto the sly middle schooler._

"That's right, Indiana Nao! You mustn't stall her a moment further! Off with you now, Sonic Boom!" Sugiura pointed to the oversized, whirling tornado with eyes.

The small redhead frowned, "Wait, I'm still dressed as Indiana Jones?" She rolled her eyes when she received a nod, "_Wonderful_…"

Akane sighed, "At least you _have_ a part."

"Um," The mousey first year looked around, confused. "What does Sugiura-san mean by—"

"Ah! Yukino! I forgot you were here because you never stand out!" Midori grinned, even as Yukino frowned. "Where would Sonic Boom be without Yukino the Animorph!"

_Natsuki raised an eyebrow, "Now you're ripping off copyrighted material?"_

"_It was either that, or a mermaid."_

"_Ah."_

Yukino the deer animorph blinked, "Animorph?" She asked, clearly confused.

"Now quickly after your assigned superhero!" Midori the Epic pointed to the team fighting the tornado.

_Suddenly, Natsuki's cell phone—_ I mean: Suddenly, Natsuki's wristwatch went off and she answered it, bringing it to her ear, "Kuga, here," The agent answered, absently playing with a lock of hair. … "Hm? Oh, hey Shizuru." … "Yeah, I'm just stuck in the Principle's office."

"Ah-ha!" Midori sprung into action, running over and quickly snatching the device from the agent's hand.

"_Hey!" Natsuki glared at the third-year. "What gives!"_

Midori ignored Double-O sixty-nine and placed the watch to her ear, "So it was you all along, wasn't it Fujino! You're the mastermind behind all of this!" Sugiura dodged Kuga as the agent tried to get her pho— wristwatch back.

"… _Midori-san? Is that you?"_ Shizuru's voice filtered through the speaker.

"If you want Kuga Natsuki to stay alive, you'll come down here immediately!" The redhead cut the connection and handed the device back to the agent.

_Natsuki quickly pocketed her phone while glaring, "Wasn't I suppose to be an agent out to get Akira? How am I in a life-threatening situation?"_

_Midori simply shrugged, "Even agents mess up sometimes."_

"_Do I ever get a part in this?" Akane pouted._

"_Eh… I'll think of something," Midori answered._

"_Would someone just tell me what's going on?" Haruka asked, completely lost._

The door finally opened, revealing the Queen herself, carrying her staff and a snake coiled around her neck.

_Shizuru looked around, her stare meeting many others, "So many people are gathered here." She smiled, "Did I miss a party?"_

Midori the Epic grinned triumphantly, "No, the party's just beginning." She pointed epically at the evil Queen, "Prepare yourself, Queen, to be killed!" She gave her hero pose, "For no evil shall ever overcome _justice_!" She looked back to Akane, "Quick! Use your ghost powers on the evil elf queen so she can't devour us!"

"I'll help!" Nekogami chimed.

"Elves don't eat raw flesh," Indiana Nao pointed out.

"Fine: Use your powers on the evil elf-vampire hybrid queen!" Midori the Epic corrected.

"Neither do vampires," Yuuki gave Sugiura an 'are you that dumb?' look.

"_I'm a ghost?" Higurashi exclaimed. "How lame is that!"_

The elven Queen pouted, "I'm going to be killed?" Her blood red eyes filled with remorse. "I haven't even been given a chance to explain myself," She continued, playing along.

"Don't encourage her!" The secret agent frowned.

Sugiura blinked. _A chance to explain herself?_ The redhead thought. It never even occurred to Midori that the Queen had anything to explain. "I suppose we could revive your right after," She said, compromising.

"Alright," Fujino accepted.

"Can you revive me so at least I'm not a ghost anymore?" Akane asked.

Midori shook her head, "Sorry. No can do. That's a completely different department than what I specialize on. Youko only taught me about elf-vampire hybrids. You'll have to ask Shiho or Sister to revive you."

Mai raised an eyebrow, "Youko must have really specific practices to only be able to heal elf-vampire hybrids," Fire Falcon commented.

"Oh no, she had lots of healing powers. She just only taught me that one," Midori the Epic explained.

_Midori then turned to the highly amused Principle, placing her hands on the wooden desk Fumi was sitting behind, "So you see, Gakuenchou, that's what happened yesterday."_

_Fumi leaned back in her chair, a pleasant smile on her face, "My, you all certainly had quite the adventure yesterday didn't you?" She giggled when Midori nodded. "And while you had such an 'epic' quest, I'm afraid I'm still going to have to give you all detention for staying out past school curfew and bringing alcohol back into the dorms."_

"_I told you this would happen!" Nao glared. "I_ knew_ something like this would happen the moment Midori said she'd explain everything!"_

"_Oh," The pink-haired principle turned to her Student Council President. "While you two are here, Fujino-san and Suzushiro-san, I'm putting you both in change of the detention of 'Midori the Epic' and the Wandering Six," She said, trying in vain to keep her giggling to a minimum._

_The addressed brunette bowed, "Yes, Gakuenchou."_

Midori the Epic gasped, turning to the hybrid, "You really are the evil Queen!" She exclaimed. "I knew we shouldn't have revived you!"

* * *

Plot: Basically, Midori was trying to tell a story that would get her and the other 'Wandering Six' off the hook from getting detention. They got detention because they got caught coming back onto campus past curfew while bringing alcohol drinks with them. Obviously Midori is a bit lacking in the realism department when trying to tell convincing stories.

So, review if you can, please? XD


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